Anna Resurget

I have been teaching from the Psalms on Wednesday evenings in our church.  This past Wednesday was the third week and next week will be the last.  It has been a very rewarding experience for me and I hope it has been helpful for the church.  It has been helpful for me because of the content, of course, but perhaps more so because it is the first opportunity I have had to do some teaching since Anna’s death.  It has helped me to get back to what I do best, and to help to see some things apart from Anna.

This past Wednesday I discussed the topic of life, death, and resurrection in the Psalms.  The topic was chosen by me mainly as a platform to speak on some issues I had been reading about.  I was not sure what I would find in the Psalms about it, but I thought that I could at least use it as a starting point for seeing what is in the rest of the Bible.  In the end I was pleasantly surprised by what I found there and we had a good time with the subject.

In concluding my teaching I mentioned a misunderstanding I had at the time of Anna’s death about the resurrection.   I shared a story of an incident that happened shortly after her death.  When I arrived home after Anna died, her body was in our front room and I had a few moments alone with her.  As I sat with her I prayed that God would raise her from the dead, just as Jesus raised the little girl in the Gospel story.  As I prayed I heard what seemed to be a clear answer, saying, “I have already raised her.  I have already answered your prayer.”  I was filled with a tremendous peace at that moment.  I knew that Anna was taken care of.  I thought of her as being with the Lord, but more than that, I pictured in my mind that everything was finished for her.  We even spoke of physical infirmities that Anna had here on earth that were already healed in her new body.  She was with the Lord, and all was right. 

While these thoughts brought me some comfort, I was aware that there was a major problem with my thinking.  The resurrection has not occurred yet.  It will not happen until Jesus comes again.

At first, I had a nagging feeling that the way I was thinking about Anna, that is, thinking that she was already enjoying heaven in her new body, was not right. But  I knew of no alternative as a framework in which to think of her.  A book that was sent to me by a friend really helped me to understand where the flaw in my thinking lay.

By thinking that Anna was already enjoying her newly resurrected body, I had pressed a future event–the resurrection–into a present setting.  I think I had always unconsciously thought and spoken of the dead in this way.  And yet the Bible is so clear.  The dead will be raised anew at the appearing of the Lord Jesus.  It is so clear and repeated so often in the Bible.

At first I was uncomfortable with the thought.  Questions filled my mind.  Where is she now?  What will happen to her earthly body, which was burned up?  I was forced into thinking about some issues regarding life after death that I for so long had pushed to the background of my faith.  These questions I had always thought of as unanswerable and did not want to do the heavy lifting needed to really explore them.

The real discomfort, however, came because I wanted so much to think of Anna enjoying all the fruits of her rewards.  I wanted her to have her new resurrected body.  I wanted to imagine her dancing before the Lord.  But if her body was not yet raised, then where does that leave her?

My despair at this point was countered by another thought.  I realized that Anna was still waiting for the return of her Lord Jesus Christ.  She is waiting just as much as I am now.  I remembered a discussion that Anna and Samuel had one day not long before she died.  One of them, probably Anna, said that she so much wanted Jesus to return before she died so that she would not have to see death.  Samuel replied that if one of them died first, then that one would get to see Jesus first since it says in the New Testament that the dead will be raised first and be caught up with Him in the air at the time of the his second coming.  Those still alive would have to wait until after that first meeting takes place before they meet the Lord.  The children debated which would be better.  To remain alive or to die but be the first to see Christ at his second coming.  What a precious conversation to hear!

Now Anna has died.  But she is still waiting for Jesus to come when her body will be raised anew and she will be caught up with Him in the air.  I know that she is anxiously awaiting that day!  And I am filled with a great deal of excitement, even in the midst of my grief, knowing that Anna and I are still living part of a great adventure as we both await the coming of our Lord.  Anna and I can say together, “Maranatha!  Come, Lord Jesus.”

Below is my first journal entry after the death of Anna.  I wrote it during our flight back to America.  In it I describe some of the situation on the day Anna died.  THERE ARE SOME GRAPHIC NOTES ABOUT HER INJURIES.  Parents may want to read it first before letting their young children read.

Read the rest of this entry »

Today is November 6.  Tomorrow it will be six months since Anna died from her bicycle accident.  Tomorrow I will post my first journal entry that I wrote after the accident.  I have been hesitant to post it up to now.  I wasn’t sure if it was necessary, but on reflection I think it might be helpful for those of you who do not know some of the details surrounding her death.  Please read it if you would like.  Feel free to pass it up if you do not care to know about it.  No problem here.

I am also preparing a longer post discussing some issues related to the resurrection of believers.  I originally planned to include it in this post, but because it began to grow long I thought it deserved its own post.  I will try to have that ready for you tomorrow as well.

Yesterday was a particularly difficult day.  The really hard days seem to be getting less common.  When they come, however, they come with a vengeance.  Immediately after Anna’s death we were told that grief comes like waves over you.  No.  I have spent a good deal of time in the ocean.  I like waves.  They lift you up and set you down.  You can play in them.  If you are not careful they can sometimes be dangerous.  No.  The grief has stopped coming like waves.  When it comes now it is more a punch to the stomach.  There is an almost physical pain inside that does not go away.

Anyway, yesterday morning Timberley found me in the kitchen pretty messed up.  I was still functioning, getting coffee, making breakfast, whatever it was, but let me just say that everything was pretty wet.  I have no idea what spurred this, but in the middle of whatever it was I was doing, I had a sudden and extremely clear memory of Timberley’s phone call to me when she called to say that Anna was dead.  I could hear every word on the other end, but more than that I could hear the screams of anguish coming over the phone.  I could hear every sob in her voice as she screamed out those words to me.  For just a moment in the kitchen I was transported back to my car in Central Java where I was when I received the phone call.

I am getting better now at controlling my thoughts, especially when I am in public, so that I can choose the times when I mourn and when I cry.  That didn’t happen yesterday.  If this one was a wave it was like a tsunami.  All I could do was hang on for the ride.   But hang on I did.  And soon the tsunami passed.  Life moves on.  But then, it doesn’t.  Maybe they were right when they said that grief comes like a wave.  It just happens to be a really nasty wave.

“The ache I feel inside is where the light has left your eyes.  I’m alone for our last goodbye, but you’re free.”

I reminded my parents of the following story.  A few of the details were not exactly right, but they said it was pretty close to the way it was.  Apparently my dad was not quite so brusque with the policeman at the end of the story as I portray him, but my parents liked it well enough the way I put it.  My mom reminded me of the incident at my brother’s house in Chicago when they were en route to San Francisco.  I added that event here. Read the rest of this entry »

In dealing with Anna’s aversion to clothing tags we also discovered another talent—the ear-spitting scream.  A friend related a story to us about baby-sitting Anna.

We looked after Anna and Samuel one evening while you two grown-ups had some time together, and I was afraid that she would be miserable with us.  But she was just a little sweetheart and talked and talked to me while my husband and Samuel investigated bugs, etc.  I thought we had really bonded, and she would probably adopt me as her new grandmother—until I tried to brush her teeth.  I put the toothbrush in her mouth, and she began the most ear-splitting scream I had ever heard.  I thought I had shoved the toothbrush down her throat or at least knocked out a couple of teeth!  But when I removed the toothbrush and toothpaste, the lovely little angelic smile instantly reappeared.  I remember staring at that precious face and wondering how that dreadful sound came from it.

The children’s minister at our church tells this story of Anna at church.

On one Wednesday evening Anna was not happy and she threw a temper tantrum. A very loud temper tantrum. So loud that people in the hallway asked “Who is that?” I answered “Anna Borger.” Each person then said “Oh Anna must not be feeling well. She never acts like that!” I remembered thinking either Anna is coming down with a fever or she has discovered the power of her voice! As it turned out, she wasn’t ill. She was just experiencing the normal three year old realization that when you don’t get your way there is a chance you can get your way if you are loud enough! The good thing is that Anna did learn the power of her voice. The amazing power of a voice committed to the Lord.

I have added links on the top of this page so you can read Anna’s book or take a look at the drawings she made for the book.  Enjoy.

We are with Timberley’s mother for a few days on the Outer Banks of North Carolina.  I will update more later this week.

A correspondent explained to me (very nicely) that my blog title was mistaken.  For those who care, I had mistaken a third conjugation verb with a first conjugation.  I have changed the title of the blog, but the web address is still the same, so I assume any links you have made should still work.  I apologize if this causes any problem, but I wanted to fix it now instead of having any citizens of ancient Rome laugh at my grammar when they read the blog.